How to Get a Restraining Order Against an Ex, Step by Step

If you're searching for how to get a restraining order against an ex, something has probably happened that made you feel unsafe: threats, showing up uninvited, constant messages, or violence. You may also be worried about what filing will set off, especially if you share children. Those worries are reasonable, and the process is more manageable once you know the steps and where to get help with each one.

This guide walks through who generally qualifies, how filing usually works from petition to final order, what an order can include, and what changes when children are involved. Names vary by state (restraining order, protective order, order of protection), and so do forms and timelines. A local advocate or your court's self-help center can tell you exactly how it works where you live.

Safety first, before and after you file

If you're in danger right now, call 911. The National Domestic Violence Hotline is available 24/7 at 1-800-799-7233, or text START to 88788 (thehotline.org). Local domestic violence advocates can help you build a safety plan, fill out protective order paperwork and go with you to court, usually free and confidentially. If your phone, computer or accounts might be monitored, read this on a safer device.

Advocates often point out that separation, and the moment someone learns about a court case, can be times of higher risk. That's why it helps to plan for the day your ex is served: where you'll be, who knows your schedule, and how your children's school or daycare will handle pickups. Our guide to safety planning during a custody case covers exchanges, phones and court days.

Can you get a protective order against an ex?

Usually, yes. Domestic violence protective orders generally cover people who were married, lived together, dated, or have a child together, and that typically includes former partners. Exact definitions vary by state.

The relationship gets you in the door; the conduct is what the judge looks at. Depending on your state, qualifying conduct commonly includes physical harm or attempts to cause it, threats that put you in fear, sexual assault, stalking, and in many states harassment. Some states define abuse more broadly than others.

If your relationship doesn't fit your state's definition, other orders may be available, such as civil harassment, stalking or no-contact orders, which usually don't require a relationship. The clerk can't give legal advice, but can usually tell you which forms exist.

How to get a restraining order against an ex, step by step

Most cases follow the same basic path: petition, temporary order, service, full hearing, final decision.

1. Get support. Call a local domestic violence program or the hotline. Advocates know local forms and judges' expectations, and can help with safety planning.
2. Find the right court and forms. Many courts post protective order forms online or at the clerk's office. In many places there's no fee to file a domestic violence protective order.
3. Write your petition. Describe specific incidents, starting with the most recent and most serious: dates, places, what was said and done, injuries, and whether children were present.
4. Ask for the terms you need. Forms usually list options such as no contact, stay-away distances, temporary custody or possession of the home. Read each option carefully, and ask an advocate which ones fit your situation.
5. A judge reviews it. Often the same day, a judge may issue a temporary (sometimes called ex parte or emergency) order without your ex present.
6. Your ex is served. Usually by law enforcement. A temporary order is generally enforceable once your ex has been served or otherwise notified.
7. The full hearing. Usually within days or a few weeks. Both sides can testify, present evidence and call witnesses.
8. The decision. The judge grants, denies or modifies the order. Get copies before you leave and keep one with you.

While you wait for the full hearing

The days between the temporary order and the hearing matter. A few practical steps:

• Keep a copy of the temporary order with you, and a photo of it on your phone.
• Give a copy to your children's school or daycare and, if you're comfortable, your workplace's security or front desk.
• Don't respond to contact the order prohibits. Write down the date, time and what happened, save any messages, and report violations to the police.
• Gather your evidence and request police or medical records now.
• Arrange childcare and time off for the hearing day, and ask whether the courthouse has an advocate who can sit with you.

What can a protective order against an ex include?

Terms depend on your state and what you request, but orders commonly can:

• Prohibit contact, including texts, calls, social media and messages through other people
• Require your ex to stay a set distance from you, your home, work and your children's school
• Give you temporary possession of a shared home, and in some states, a car or pets
• Set temporary custody, visitation or exchange terms for your children
• Address firearms; federal law and many states restrict people subject to certain protective orders from having guns
• In some states, order temporary support or counseling programs

Federal law generally requires states to enforce valid protective orders issued in other states, so an order usually protects you if you travel or move. Keep a copy with you.

What if you share children with your ex?

A protective order can include temporary terms about your children, such as who has them, whether visits are supervised, and how exchanges happen. Those terms are usually temporary; longer-term custody is generally decided in a custody case. Our guide to whether a protective order affects child custody explains how the two connect.

If you're thinking about leaving with your children, talk to a domestic violence advocate and a lawyer or legal aid office about custody orders before you leave or right after. Taking children away without an order can have legal consequences in some situations, and you may be able to ask for emergency or temporary custody, including through the protective order itself.

What evidence helps your petition and hearing?

Your own detailed testimony is evidence. Supporting evidence can include dated photos of injuries or damage, threatening texts and voicemails, police reports, medical records and witnesses who saw or heard what happened. Request records early, because hearings come quickly. Our checklist of the evidence needed for a protective order covers how to prepare each type and how to present it at the full hearing.

Keeping your records private and in one place

Between screenshots, photos, police report numbers and court papers, it's easy for important pieces to end up scattered across your phone. Keep everything somewhere your ex can't reach, backed up, with the originals unchanged.

If it helps, Evidence Helper gives you one private place for that documentation. Nothing is shared unless you choose to share it with a named person, like an advocate or attorney. It offers two-factor sign-in and sign-out of every device, keeps your originals preserved and hashed, and can export exhibit-numbered PDFs for court. If your ex might have access to your email or phone, set up any new account from a safer device.

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If you're the ex who was served

Real abuse happens, and courts take these petitions seriously. If you've been served, follow the temporary order exactly from that moment, including no contact through texts, social media or friends, even if the other person reaches out. Go to the hearing; if you don't, the judge may decide based only on the petitioner's account. A licensed attorney where you live can explain your options, especially if criminal charges are possible. Start with our guide to responding to a protective order.